Some of you whom follow Rustin on FB already know what’s been happening. Most of you that follow me on Twitter and IG are probably annoyed at my very vague posts (I hate vague posts too), and so you’ve followed a magical little link to get the skinny on the happenings. I don’t blame you, I would too.
Well here’s the skinny. Last Thursday I woke up expecting to see a bouncy little 12-week old fetus on the big screen. What was once a strong and healthy heartbeat, though, had stopped beating around the 10th week.
My midwife chatted over options with us, though I was barely listening. And when she left the room to give us a minute to digest the information I told Rustin I couldn’t do it naturally again, he agreed. We chose to have a D&C done and it was scheduled for just a few hours later.
After a second ultrasound by a different doctor confirmed the same findings we went ahead with the D&C. I woke up from the anesthesia and cried. It was over. Glad that I had slept through the whole thing, but sad that it ended the way it did.
And here we are again… but not really. This time we are sad but not devastated, and we’re determined to keep it that way.
So what now?
Now I recover from the procedure, which shouldn’t be too long. As scary as a D&C sounds it was much less painful emotionally and physically than having to do it naturally, though right now I feel like a very strong mean man punched me right in the gut. Overall, and as awful as that decision was to make, it was the better option for me/us.
Emotionally I’m ok. It sucks and it sucks and it sucks, but I can’t let the sadness take over again. While I don’t believe that the reason we’re having to do this again is because I’ve wished on more than one occasion for a re-do, I am determined to do it better than the last time.
We are still going to try for more babies. And you’re wondering what the hell is the matter with me… well, I wonder that too. Until twenty experts (maybe 50) tell us there is absolutely no way we can ever have more children or give us a reason to stop trying, we won’t give up. I was contemplating asking for a hysterectomy while I was still with my midwife (even though I KNOW it’s not elective) but still, the thought crossed my mind. The moment my head was screaming I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN, I CAN’T DO THIS AGAIN, she looked at me and said, “Don’t give up.” She read my mind and she’s right. I shouldn’t give up. And we won’t.
We’re watching tons of movies to keep ourselves distracted.
My depression won’t get the better of me this time. And while I don’t have complete control over that, I have a better understanding of the illness and my triggers, and thankfully have an ace-in-the-hole medication that both puts me to sleep and levels out my lows. One day we’ll chat a little bit more about my experience with depression but for now I’m just going to apologize in advance to those who follow me on both Twitter and IG for posting random (and possibly annoying) positive thoughts/photos. You may have caught a taste of that already. Sorry. But I’m not really. It’s something I need to do to stay in a good headspace. FB’rs… sorry, I’ll probably take a break from y’all for awhile, so thank your lucky stars you’ve been spared!
I’m still not sure what to make of all of this, so if this post sounds to-the-point and detached… it’s probably because I am feeling a bit detached and numb still. I’m also on some good-feeling meds.
And the thank-you’s begin… !
A decent author does not begin a book without acknowledgments (ok that’s not true), and so I can’t end this post without a few thank you’s. Already, I am humbled and feeling incredibly grateful for the people that have reached out to me, messaged me, called me, texted me, brought us dinners/lunch, watched our boy, checked up on us and have worried about us all without me not having shared a word. This could be so much more difficult without you. And because each and every one of you has cared enough to do what you do… well, I’m not sure how to thank you enough, individually and as a group. We feel your strength through every tweet, call, and text and sometimes you are the thing that keeps us going. So thank you for being behind us and sharing some of your strength with us. We love you and we are blessed to know you IRL and virtually. Just thank you.
Special thanks to:
Tara, Sonia, Paola, Amanda, Ryan and Christy, Joel, Belinda, Denyse, Annie, Kelli, Eli, and Ali. You guys never fail to amaze me and I’m so incredibly grateful to each of you for inspiring me to be better than the day before. You are some of the most amazing people that has graced this planet and how did I get so lucky to not only get to meet you, but to be able to call you my friends? I am a better person just having met you.
Vickie, G.O., Jen, and Geina: For checking on us daily and constantly being our lifeline. Your support and love is irreplaceable. And though I don’t say it often enough, I’m lucky to have married into such a wonderful family. Thank you times a hundred.
Rustin: You. I tell you every day and I mean it every day: I love you. Thank you for staying with me when it’s hard, for loving me when I am unloveable, and forgiving me when I don’t deserve it. One day I will write you the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard (and it will make you cry), but in the meantime I am here to remind you of how important you are to me. I would absolutely crumble without you. So thank you for being so amazing during this awful process. YOU are amazing. And my best friend.
It is not my place to share the other sad news we’ve just received, but Rustin has let me share this post from his blog.
If you believe in a higher power, please keep my husband’s family in your prayers for the next few days. Thank you.