March 27th, 2012
I saw my midwife yesterday for help with sleeping and eating. I’ve lost 4 lbs. in 2 weeks. She gave me nausea medication that has a drowsy side effect and she said it should help me sleep. I told her I wanted the big guns, but because she’s a good midwife she’s giving me the least possible prescription to see how I react to it. The ironic part is that I went to her to have an unmedicated, natural, no interventions birth. I had a no interventions miscarriage, and now that it’s over I just want to be knocked out, but she’s keeping me around even when I’m asking for the drugs. I think we could’ve had my dream delivery together.
She says the nausea is still the pregnancy symptoms. I don’t believe it is. I haven’t had pregnancy symptoms since the last appointment two weeks ago.
I won’t need a D&C. My body did what it was supposed to do and got that baby out. Logically, I know everything is working the way it’s supposed to. But I still hate my body for it. Yesterday was an especially hard day physically. I was stuck in bed in pain and bleeding, still.
She said something to me that made it final. I lost my baby. I’ve been dealing with the traumatic effects of what my body did, what I felt, what I saw, that I haven’t yet had a chance to deal with the rest of it. I have nightmares about what I saw, what I held, and what my body had to do to me. The thought of having a dead baby in me makes me sick to my stomach. I’m having a harder time with this than I thought I would. I’m sure grieving the loss of what could have been will be difficult as well, but I’m not ready to go there yet. You flush goldfish down the toilet, I’m ripped to shreds over what I had to do.
Yesterday at around 5:30 PM we got a call from my mother and father-in-law. They needed to make a few decisions that would determine the end of Jackie’s life. We immediately left, even though I could barely move. I threw up twice on the way to the hospital. At the ICU we said our goodbyes. Jackie’s family and friends were all there. As you can imagine it was very sad. If there were a sadder, more painful word to use I would use it. But I don’t have that word.
Rustin is doing okay. As well as he can be. If it weren’t for Jackie we wouldn’t be together right now. We wouldn’t be married, in Utah, with a cute boy. So, I’m forever grateful to her for inadvertently keeping us together. She’ll never know how much she changed my life.
At the hospital I was completely numb. I couldn’t feel a thing. Not in my heart and not in my hands. I was just numb. This all too much. Seeing her children cry for their mother was too much. This is too much.
She passed at 9:29 PM last night.
We got her 10-year-old boy some yellow Daffodils this morning because he wanted to plant them for her. I’m just crushed and so is everyone else.
We’re preparing a funeral. This is unreal.
Writing her Obituary is impossible.
Over and over, I can’t thank you enough. All of your kind words are more helpful than you can imagine right now. We read every one of them and we feel you in your words. Thank you.
March 27th, 2012
For much too long, Rustin and I have been keeping what has been happening private. We wanted to keep the lid on this until we had something final. We hoped that would be a solid heartbeat.
Up until the very last moment, Rustin hoped that we would see this pregnancy to the end of 40 weeks. Maybe foolishly. I had enough knowledge to know it was the end without the final blow. It sort of snuck up on him. He needed the final blow to come to terms with it.
Sometimes I feel like I’m being overly dramatic. I have moments of perception in which I minimize what has happened. This could be so much worse. At least it wasn’t a stillbirth. At least it wasn’t a 6 month-old baby.
And then things happen to make me realize that this is real, no matter how I slice it.
I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’ve never had such a strong physical reaction to anything. Not like this.
One Tylenol PM pill will usually knock me out 10 minutes after I take it until at least 9 AM in the morning. I’ve had very little sleep in the last few weeks. I stayed up all night long two nights ago. Rustin went out and a got a stronger sleeping aid for me last night (without all the pain relief) and immediately I felt it kick in. 15 minutes later the affects wore off, they just went away. I was ready to clean, ready to be active. He gave me a second dose and it finally knocked me out. I woke up at 4:30 AM, but I still call that a success. My body is winning over my mind right now.
I eat. I have no appetite but I still eat. But it doesn’t go down. It stays in my throat and I never feel it travel down to my belly. And then I throw up 10 minutes later, and an hour later, and again, and again… I throw up when there isn’t anything in me to throw up.
My body is expelling everything. Keeping food down and sleeping are my biggest hurdles right now. I’m seeing the midwife today for some help.
We’ve been dealing with this for a few weeks. Now that it’s out, it’s a relief. Be careful Twitter/FB friends if you ask me if you could bring us dinner, cookies, anything, because in a weak moment may just take you up on it. :)
My sister-in-law is still in the ICU. Still sedated, still on feeding tubes. Yesterday she had an excellent nurse that made all the difference in the world. He planted seeds of positivity and hope in the rest of my family. They haven’t had that in a long time, so we’re especially grateful for him.
Yesterday things moved downhill really fast. She was taken off of life support and she passed at 9:29 PM. The family is… well, you can imagine. As they pretty much adopted me, I lost my sister last night. I don’t have all of the memories from beginning to end, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I can’t handle this. Rustin, of course, misses his sister terribly.
March 25th, 2012
I published something I shouldn’t have and hurt people’s feelings.
If you read it, I’m sorry. If you were hurt by it, I’m especially sorry.
It was incredibly insensitive gesture from me. And I hope you can forgive me. I made a wrong move.
Again and again, thank you. And I’m so, so sorry.
March 24th, 2012
This is the first time I’ve opened up my computer in days.
Last Thursday I went to my midwife. This was the third visit in 4 weeks. I was 6 weeks and 1 day pregnant. She told me I had an enlarged yolk sac. She told me she didn’t see a heartbeat, even though we saw it a week before. She told me she was not optimistic about the pregnancy, that an enlarged yolk sac was a sign of a chromosomal abnormality. She told me what to expect when I miscarried. This was on Thursday. On Friday I cried. And it took me the rest of the weekend to become hopeful again. I hoped that I had a little fighter, that maybe she was wrong and I was the exception. On Tuesday it started and I didn’t have to wait or second-guess anymore. But I was crushed.
I’ll spare you the gory details.
It was a slow process for me. On Wednesday we cancelled my appointment for the next day, there was no need to see the midwife again. It was just a matter of waiting now. On Wednesday I told some friends and family what was happening. I hadn’t told anyone I was pregnant yet because I was hoping for a good solid heartbeat before announcing the pregnancy, I was hoping for that heartbeat after our next appointment. By Thursday family and friends were in the know and I had accepted what was happening.
At 2:30 am on Friday I began to go into “labor”. I was having some serious Braxton Hicks contractions all night long. At 6:45 am they were 2 minutes long and 30 seconds apart and they were no longer Braxton Hicks, they were the real deal at that point. I had two cups of Raspberry Leaf Tea because I wanted to move things along, I was tired of waiting. They got seriously intense, like the last stage of labor, from then until about lunch time. And then it all stopped.
At around 2:30 pm the most painful cramps I had ever felt started suddenly for about 45 minutes. Until everything was passed.
****Warning: A few gross details passed this point****
I expected the horrible cramping. I didn’t expect to labor in addition to that. I expected to see lots of blood. I didn’t expect it to be one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life. I didn’t expect for it to last for four days. I didn’t expect to, literally, feel empty inside once it passed. I now know what pregnancy looks like, I held it in my hands. I know what’s inside that cute belly. I didn’t expect nightmares about life-sized figurines made of babies and children made into “art” to haunt me at night. I thought that once it was over, it was over. And I was wrong. I’m still cramping and bleeding and passing balls of tissue. The world is much too vibrant for me today. And I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to eat beef again. And now you probably can’t either.
I thought the hard part was over. Receiving the news has hard. Waiting for a miscarriage to happen was hard. Telling people was hard. The miscarriage was hard. And my sister-in-law was being intubated in ICU while it was happening. That is hard.
It’s been an awful week.
I’m not ready to think about “the next time”. I’m not ready to take in “what wasn’t meant to be”. And please don’t remind me of the “healthy, smart, beautiful son” I do have. Some things I’m just too sensitive about right now. And I hope you understand. I haven’t gotten back to some of you, and I hope you understand.
I know a miscarriage isn’t the worst thing that can happen to a human. But this is one of the worst things that has happened to me.
I’m taking it hour by hour, because taking it day by day is much too overwhelming. Rustin and I are dealing with our loss the best way we can.
Thank you friends and family that have checked on me and Rustin all week long. Your texts and phone calls lift me up more than you will ever know, especially while we have Jackie in the hospital. I love you all very much. This is not close to over so I hope you will be patient with us/me for a little while longer. I can’t begin to describe the appreciation I feel to have you deal with this along with us. Thank you a million times. <3
March 19th, 2012
Just when life throws you a curveball that leaves you crying in a corner in the fetal position, it has a way of reminding you that life isn’t over even when it may feel like it.
The world still turns even when yours has crumbled at your feet.
Leave the broken pieces on the floor and take a peek outside. New life is growing.
I’m more excited for Spring than I’ve ever been.
I’ll be back to a regularly scheduled tweeting and blogging soon. I’ve missed me too.
March 12th, 2012
I don’t normally use this as a platform to write about parenthood. There’s not much that I can contribute that the mommy bloggers don’t already have covered. Plus, writing about it just doesn’t appeal to me.
But there’s this…
Yesterday my boy and I were not having a good day. Or I should say, I was not having a good day. It was one of those days where everything he did irritated me, which tells me it was me and not him. Being aware of that though, didn’t much change the fact that I just wanted to be away from him. That looks terrible written in that way, but can I be honest for a minute? Since he has been born, he has been my absolute priority every single day, I have no shame in that. I can count on my hands the number of times I’ve yelled at him or felt unsympathetic to his needs. So most days, we get along like peanut butter and jelly. There isn’t much that I’m afraid of. Being labeled a Bad Mom is not one of them, which is probably why I’m ok with talking about this here. If I really believed I were a bad mom, I probably wouldn’t be writing about it. What I AM afraid of is being without him… for whatever reason. That scares the crap out of me.
Yesterday was like all of the patience and empathy I had for him had worn out. I just didn’t care. And because there was practically nothing I could do to calm his spirit, it drove me further away.
So tell me, why am I up at 4:30 in the morning? Last night as he was going to sleep I woke him back up to tell him I was sorry for being in a bad mood, that it was me and not him and that I would do better today. In his sleepy voice he said, “It’s ok, momma.” And fell asleep. I’m not a perfect mother and I’m not afraid to admit it. I know that I am a good mom, that most days I can’t wait to see him because I miss him when he sleeps. And sometimes I skip cleaning and don’t make dinner so that we can play Super Mario Galaxy longer because I know that’s what he loves to do.
I shouldn’t feel guilty for needing a serious break from my boy. All relationships have a cycle and this is no different. Logically I know that. But my emotions haven’t caught up. This is why I’m up at 4:30 in the morning. The guilt comes from myself, no one else can plant that seed but me. And when I stop to think about this day possibly being the last day we have together the anxiety and guilt pangs deep within me. It’s difficult to live each day as if it were your last, but it’s never far from my mind.
The only thing I can do is start over and do it differently next time, and hope that the cycle doesn’t end when we’re at our far away point. Before I have a chance to change it.
March 7th, 2012
Last week I introduced you to Anita from Occupy the Wardrobe, a unique fashion blog. In case you have no idea what I’m talking about, check out my last post.
This week’s theme is Black and White, check out Anita’s post on Occupy the Wardrobe here. The second outfit in that post, stunning right?
Anyway, right before we got started, I caught a gorgeous reflection bouncing off of a window and couldn’t pass up the chance to photograph her backlit.
And before I get distracted again, here are the rest of the photos…
The best thing about shooting with Anita is how comfortable and confident she is in front of the camera. It shows right? :D
If you’re on twitter, be sure to follow @anitaboeira and @occupywardrobe!
Cheers! And maybe some time this week I’ll finally get to that WPPI post. Maybe.