Moving like molasses

March 27th, 2012

For much too long, Rustin and I have been keeping what has been happening private. We wanted to keep the lid on this until we had something final. We hoped that would be a solid heartbeat.

Up until the very last moment, Rustin hoped that we would see this pregnancy to the end of 40 weeks. Maybe foolishly. I had enough knowledge to know it was the end without the final blow. It sort of snuck up on him. He needed the final blow to come to terms with it.

***

Sometimes I feel like I’m being overly dramatic. I have moments of perception in which I minimize what has happened. This could be so much worse. At least it wasn’t a stillbirth. At least it wasn’t a 6 month-old baby.

And then things happen to make me realize that this is real, no matter how I slice it.

I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I’ve never had such a strong physical reaction to anything. Not like this.

One Tylenol PM pill will usually knock me out 10 minutes after I take it until at least 9 AM in the morning. I’ve had very little sleep in the last few weeks. I stayed up all night long two nights ago. Rustin went out and a got a stronger sleeping aid for me last night (without all the pain relief) and immediately I felt it kick in. 15 minutes later the affects wore off, they just went away. I was ready to clean, ready to be active. He gave me a second dose and it finally knocked me out. I woke up at 4:30 AM, but I still call that a success. My body is winning over my mind right now.

I eat. I have no appetite but I still eat. But it doesn’t go down. It stays in my throat and I never feel it travel down to my belly. And then I throw up 10 minutes later, and an hour later, and again, and again… I throw up when there isn’t anything in me to throw up.

My body is expelling everything. Keeping food down and sleeping are my biggest hurdles right now. I’m seeing the midwife today for some help.

***

We’ve been dealing with this for a few weeks. Now that it’s out, it’s a relief. Be careful Twitter/FB friends if you ask me if you could bring us dinner, cookies, anything, because in a weak moment may just take you up on it. :)

***

My sister-in-law is still in the ICU. Still sedated, still on feeding tubes. Yesterday she had an excellent nurse that made all the difference in the world. He planted seeds of positivity and hope in the rest of my family. They haven’t had that in a long time, so we’re especially grateful for him.

Update:

Yesterday things moved downhill really fast. She was taken off of life support and she passed at 9:29 PM. The family is… well, you can imagine. As they pretty much adopted me, I lost my sister last night. I don’t have all of the memories from beginning to end, but it doesn’t hurt any less. I can’t handle this. Rustin, of course, misses his sister terribly.