Remember when my Therapist thought it would be a good idea for me to write a letter to the baby? Well I did, and because I write letters to my babies on their birthdays, I thought today, on what was supposed to be his birthday, I would share that letter.
For you, little one. You still have my heart. Happy birthday.
I wish I could know your face, know your smell, and know your name. We were heartbroken when you left us. We still are. We loved you from the very moment we knew you existed and were devastated when we found out you didn’t stay; all of us were.
I didn’t have real hopes or dreams for you. I just wanted you to be mine. I wanted a chance to love you for everything that you would have been. To teach you, and hold your hand, and watch you sleep. To be there when you needed me. You would have had an amazing big brother. I wanted to see your dad beam at you.
My only job is to love you and just because I will never get to watch you sleep does not mean that I’ve stopped. I haven’t. My mama bear instincts will still protect you as much as they protect G. I’m still loving you from here, because that is my job. You are mine. And because I can’t change what happened I will save your space in our family forever.
You, tiny being, have changed our lives in a most massive way. And I wish you were here in a massive way. I miss you.